05. Braids, bad days, good dreams.
**Please note, as of 3/21 I am three episodes behind on illustrations, all scripts will be updated by episode 8**
Cozy, Rachel is wrapped up in her childhood bedroom.
Oh man, lap of luxury at the Mama Bardin house [very quiet and muffled, the ting of a mug being moved] she just brought me some coffee in bed. Wait, shit, wait [fabric rustle as she moves around in bed] Can’t actually drink coffee laying down, not without spilling it and waking Liam up. [audible smile]
Jess and Andy have some business in Bellingham today so I got to have a slumber party with my favorite godson, he’s still out like a light on the chaise lounge. [soft laugh] He’s so tall for his age, only ten and so tall. [pause] Oh shoot… No, no, Liam, go back to sleep kiddo. I should head downstairs for this. [recorder click
Much later
Well, a very large breakfast, an army of snow angels, ten very tight braids in my hair, and now a nap I’m back. Ma combed out my hair and talked Liam through braiding it. I’m up to ten braids because apparently that’s how many Princess Merida needs to have. [fond giggle] He’s such a gentle boy. I’d like to say for certain he gets that from Cooper, but Andy is too I suppose. Don’t tell anyone I said that… I won’t lie, I will never forgive him for disappearing like that. It’s understandable what he was dealing with, but he left Jessica with a two month old and just ghosted all of us for three years.
He and Jessica will be back first thing in the morning, and actually Cooper’s coming over tonight for a sleepover with our favorite- if only- godson. Just like the good old day. [snort] I still don’t understand how any of us got through that first year of school. And I don’t know how anyone even thought of letting a bunch of 19-20 year olds move to Seattle for school and collectively parent a child.
But yeah. Everyone will be here for the… party? Tomorrow. Dad’s been gone for fifteen years next month, and legally declared dead for five… I hate this. Every year. It’s always uncomfortable.
There was no body, no sign of struggle, not even a drop of blood. Just a wide open driver’s door and a half full shopping cart at the Safeway eight at night. I know Darren, the original detective, he’s still keeping an eye out, and ears open. Can’t tell how much of it is him genuinely concerned about what happened to Dad, or if he just wants an excuse to take Mom out for lunch every now and again.
Oh shoot, I meant to take out my shirt to iron before tomorrow, I have not been on top of keeping my nice shirts in order, what a disgrace!
Later, Rachel has locked herself in the bathroom, panicking.
Ok, it’s ok it’sokitsokitsokitsok [deep breathes, she is struggling] There’s a new little braided rug in from of the sink. The rabbit painting is where it’s always is, and Mom put a bouquet of hellebores in the window for me. Sliver of blue soap in it’s bowl, a splash of toothpaste on the mirror from Liam’s spit this morning that I haven’t cleaned up yet. There’s a robin singing outside and Mom and Liam are watching cartoons downstairs. The fan is running. My cardigan is super soft, and I’m wearing the fuzzy socks I got for Christmas. The edge os this sink is nice and cool and I still get claustrophobic in here because it is a tiny bathroom and I can’t breath. Yes I can yes I can [thumps, Rachel has slid to lay in the bathtub. She is trying to take deep breaths]
Diane, there was a postcard tucked in my shirt at the bottom of my duffel. Sent to Georgia, c/oed to me. Like all the others. I’ve been ignoring the mailbox. Not even a peek. I stopped digging into Ben Shiller, and while I still close all the curtains at night, I have not been letting all of this impact my life.
Fingers drum on the bathtub, erratic, borderline too long
Everything is fine, I am just stressed and this is just a Bad Day and tomorrow we celebrate Dad’s life and it’s going to suck because I know everyone thinks he did [faltering, it is uncomfortable and painful] something to himself even though he wasn’t like that. His job was hard when we were living in New Hampshire, he’d be gone for days at a time and he hated it and he never talked about it directly but I think something about it really scared him, which is why we moved to Olympia when he got that teaching job which was a major step down but he was home so much more often and was happy.
There is a soft knocking at the door, Rachel’s mom is asking how she’s doing.
Fuck. [trying to sound normal, mostly failing] Just on the phone, I’ll be down in a few minutes Mom, it’s fine.
It’s fine.
[Recorder turns off]
Two days later, Rachel is back at her house. She has not moved from her car, parked in the driveway
Home sweet home. Didn’t have a chance to finish everything at Mom’s. It was kind of chaotic with Cooper getting there and then Jess and Andy the next morning and then the… party. Life celebration, I’m still not quite sure what to call it.
Mom calls it a life celebration, she did finally move on. I guess I’m still holding out hope that Dad’s out there, and okay, and for whatever reason hasn’t been able to make it back to us.
Alien abduction is preferable to what the police think. Detective Barron swung by, he was the lead on the case those first few years. I haven’t always been the kindest to him, but for whatever reason, he still keeps a copy of the missing person’s file despite being retired. Brought a lovely bouquet of pink roses for Mom too. Snorts. Don’t like that he was a cop, but they’ve been friends for years and I suppose if that makes her happy I’ll have to live with it.
Other relationship news, Coop and Marcus are A Thing A Thing, and Jess and Andy are looking at moving up to Bellingham with Liam for Jessica’s new job at the college. Looking for houses even, but I wasn’t able to give many pointers. It was actually weird, looking back at how I got this place. I’m blaming the gaps in my memory on that post-breakup pit but Andy actually got really concerned when I couldn’t tell him about meeting with banks for a loan and that I didn’t even look at any other places. This house just... reeled me in.
Margot is also concerned, and it was great to see her in person again yesterday, but sounds like that is going to be our last appointment together. Which is fine, it’s okay, I’ve seen this coming, the video chats have been struggling and it will be better having a therapist I can see in person. Thankfully she did recommend a few who are closer by, none in town, just my luck, but all within a half hour drive.
I think that’s all the big stuff. Oh, I haven’t read the postcard yet. It’s shoved back in my duffle. Told myself I’d get it over with when I got home.
Also told myself I’d tear it up and throw it out at Mom’s but that clearly didn’t happen. And now I’m sitting in my car, procrastinating like a moody teenager.
Ugh. [Car door opens] Might as well get this over with then. [Recorder turns off]
Evening, Rachel is sitting with a mug of tea in the kitchen.
I feel like I deserve a medal for how much I’ve gotten done putting this off. I had to stop myself from bringing a broom down to the basement to sweep cobwebs out of the ceiling beams.
But I’m tired, and I refuse to put this off until tomorrow. [deep breath] The postcard is from Maine, with two lobsters on the front, one blue, one red. The back address is sent to the usual- Georgia, c/oed me. There’s a poem…
Ghosts swing from
The rafters of my
Childhood home, barbed eyes
In the dark.
And then…
Okinawa is treating me well Georgia, the Nakagusuku Hotel has been especially nice to explore. The veil here is super thin- you should definitely start some research here. Hope you are well, and that that blue bitch hasn’t been giving you trouble. I haven’t seen hide or tail of them since Oslo; and I want to keep it that way. Stay safe, Gideon PS Write me sometime
Oslo. Oslo oslo oslo… I had a letter with a poem from Oslo a while back, actually it was that first one I think. Oh no, I think I threw that out, shucks. [Audible eye roll]
Interesting.
Loud crumples as she wads the postcard up and tosses it out of the room.
G is Gideon and I’m sticking to not caring. In much more exciting news, I finally finished my seeding map and table so I can actually go through all those catalogues that came last week and order things, finally! Rosa dropped off one of her old garden journals for me to leaf through to get ideas of what works here which was super kind of her. She also left a voice mail early, early Sunday morning- I’m talking like, three am-- recommending giving the folks at South Hill Nursery a call, specifically Jade who has a particular affinity for the fruit trees, and apparently is, uh, single. [Long, awkward pause]
Might do that tomorrow, after I get through the roughs for this next project. It’s not much, just a couple pieces of copyrighting for a new startup in Seattle. Oh, and I definitely want to call those potential therapists and try to set something up soonish.
Foot steps, she is walking upstairs
It’s still weird recording all of this. As sporadically as it happens. I was worried that I wasn’t doing enough but Margot says it’s fine. Anything is better than nothing. Even if it’s just a couple of times a month. SHould try to do this every day I just… forget. Get sucked into hours painting- even though that’s all done now, huzzah!- or deep cleaning, or gardening, and I mean, looking for work feels harder than ever out here, that in and of itself is turning into a full-time job just about.
Oof. [Falls into bed]
Jessica was right, maybe I should revisit those awful erotic sonnets I wrote in college and just... go ham. [Grimacing sounds, she is disgusted with herself. They were questionable at best]
Man, maybe I should have grabbed my old notebooks. Mom said she’d be okay holding on to them for me until whenever, my little car was pretty packed with the remnants of my library and all my old quilts from grandmama, oh and my old snowboard which I haven’t touched in years? It’ll move from her garage, to my basement. For who knows how long, I’m a little closer to some hills but definitely not going to happen this year.
Hopefully by this time next year I’ll be settled enough to take a long day trip to go snowboarding, maybe meet some friends, drink too much beer in a shitty hotel hot tub, come home to a cute cat and garden full of produce. [there is an odd sound, very soft, in the background] I won’t have any weird mail, and the neighbors will show up unannounced with iced tea and hot gossip in the summer and I’ll have to dig the ashes out of the fire pit multiple times- every weekend- because it gets so much use. And then someday Jessica and Andy will finally get married and I will deliver a hilarious if mortifyingly scathing toast at their wedding- I am sorry but Andy brings out The Worst in me-- and Liam will be shipped off here for two weeks in August while they go on their honeymoon.
Margot told me to go big with my wants. Is that big enough? Should I go bigger? I want to write a New York Times bestseller. I want to grow to be a shrivelled old lady with the sweetest firecracker of a wife in the whole world and have Better Homes and Gardens come do a piece on my yard when it’s all grown in because somehow I’ve also made time to become a Master Gardener and have the loveliest rhodi’s this side of the mountains.
Yeah, that sounds big enough. [Recorder clicks off]
SABRINA
Greetings and salutations everyone who has tuned in to this wee episode. This is your writer and voice of Rachel- Sabrina if you’re tuning in like it’s 1946, and SABRINA- all caps, if you’re reading the script on our blog like it’s 2008.
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